Let me begin this review by stating that I'm a man of stable and honorable income, so I've seen a variety of rooms in my time, from top-of-the-line hotels like the Plaza Hotel in NY to the run-of-the-mill Holiday Inns around the nation.
My family and I had been vacationing to Marine World in Vallejo and needed a place to stay last minute due to a plethora of insignificant details. I could tell our stay would be a desireable one when we were greeted by the oh so sweet smell of uncooked meats marinated in liquified fecal matter with a side of candied yams. Let me tell you this was no potpourri my friends, this was a saturated stench trapped in every sqaure inch of the establishment's interior. On our way to the room, excited for our promising stay, we spotted the pool area. With guests' welfare in mind, the pool had less than a quart of water in it to eliminate the need for towels. The filthy floor had stains of algae and some kind of dark fungus near the water in this putrid funk hole. As the proprietor welcomed us into our "suite" she nearly emptied a can of Lysol air cleaner. Unfortunately the pungent scent of wet leather and viscera was now only accented by "Mountain Mist." The light on the wall was a flourescent, buzzing bulb from hell that might as well have been a hand-me-down from the warehouse down the street. Showcasing their generous animal policies, there was a live bird's nest perched above the sliding glass door, unfortunately any and all bird poop had been cleaned away from the area. As I moved into the bathroom the charming and complex aroma of the room shifted to a simple and familiar one- poop. Which, howevever, didn't forego the entire flushing process. I'd have flushed it myself had the handle not been tarnished with skid marks much like the ones in the bowl. To my surprise, these streaks of joy seemed to be a recurring theme, as I noticed their presence in the beds as well. Fortunately the filth must not have been poop, as none in my family seem to have contracted pink eye during our stay. Should one choose to avert these "soiled" sheets, the comforters may not provide much relief either, as they seemed to have been donated by the region's transient population. After this rather offputting series of discoveries I was delighted to find a cup or two of the inn's very own "brew" left in the coffee-maker. I assumed the coffee was either four weeks old or made from dirt, as the contents of the pot had separated into two "layers" at this point. Wowee, what a room.
Bottom Line: Best $65 I've ever spent.
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- Also Known As:
- Travel Hotel Vallejo