Even Hemingway would have had trouble describing a week on St. John. As many of us know, it's just a very unique place and a different way to vacation because it's the complete opposite of all those commercials for all-inclusive Caribbean resorts where you barely have to lift a finger all week. And I swear, the more I talk about St. John to someone who's never been, the more I sound like a guy describing a visit to the Endodontis as "the best root canal ever."
Hey, no biggy, right? The fewer people out there that "get" STJ, the better for those of us who do. But we're social creatures darn it. And invariably, we will yearn to share the place we love most with our loved ones, especially loved ones willing to split the cost of a villa and babysit our kids.
But how do you know if someone will "get" STJ? It's an important question because people who don't "get it" not only have a bad time, but they make sure you have a bad time too. And since conventional wisdom is not going to work here - because even being the most positive, energetic, outgoing, free spirit in the world doesn't guarantee you'll "get" STJ - I've devised my own "54b Tested" and "Mrs. 54b Begrudgingly Approved" questionnaire for determining if someone will "get" STJ.
Relax, it's only one question....in 15 parts:
1a) If you don't need an alarm clock to get up at 3am to catch a 6am flight to St. Thomas, you might "get" STJ.
1b) If the scent of Deep Woods Off makes your significant other more attractive to you, you might "get" STJ.
1c) If you've ever drawn a happy face on a mosquito bite that caused a bump the size of a quarter your forehead during dinner, you might "get" STJ.
1d) If when you say, "feel the burn," you're referencing the thermal viscosity breakdown wreaking havoc between your irritatedly bright red inner thighs after hiking back from the beach in a wet bathing suit, you might "get" STJ.
1e) If you find the challenge of removing sand as enjoyably futile as the extrication of those curiously short hairs that inexplicably appear on your bar of soap in the shower, you might "get" STJ.
1f) If you've ever stuck a knife in a condiment jar allegedly left in the villa fridge by the previous family so that you could figure out if it's still edible, you might "get" STJ.
(Villa Studies 101 - If the knife falls over, the mayo's good. If it sticks straight up and down, run.)
1g) If you've ever poured expensive white wine into an empty plastic water bottle so that you could consume it on a beach, you might "get" STJ.
1h) If you deem going from the beach to the pool to the hot tub to the shower to be the natural rinse cycle of life, you might "get" STJ.
1I)) If you teach your kids that "catch and release" only counts when the little lizards crawling all over your villa actually get to keep their tails, you might "get" STJ.
(Relax PETA, no lizards were harmed in the making of this list.)
1J) If you think vertigo is a medical condition that you eventually just grow out of, you might "get" STJ.
1K) If hearing the words, "Eagle Ray!!!," actually makes you think twice about leaving your 7-year old alone while snorkeling in the middle of a bay, you might "get" STJ.
(Kidding, just kidding.)
1L) If finding a piece of sea glass is more exciting than finding a $5 bill on the ground, you might "get" STJ (or be rich as hell.)
1M) If you've ever spent the better part of an afternoon writing "Hi Jim" in 20-foot letters on the beach just to say hello to a friend who went to Heaven sooner than you would have liked, you might "get" STJ.
1N) If you've ever jokingly ordered 8 Painkillers only to gasp as the waitress brings them to you without blinking or breaking stride and then laughed and given them away to strangers sitting near you at the Beach Bar instead of making the hard working waitress take them back, you might "get" STJ.
1O) If you've returned from a beach vacation and gotten sentimental after finding some sand in your bellybutton, you might "get" STJ.
Feel free to add your own.