I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy the tour. We've been doing this tour for over 2 years now and never once had a review as bad as this, so I take it very seriously. I'd like to address your points specifically, but I will start by saying that virtually every time we do this tour, people tell us it's the best tour of their trip, or the best food tour they've ever taken. This by no means is to say your opinion is invalid, but we are focused on making meaningful, unique travel experiences. Instead of everyone liking it just fine, I suppose this means that once in awhile someone just won't like it all.
Local grocery shopping: Most visitors absolutely love exploring the market with us. If some random shopped pushed you aside, well that's not our fault, is it? It's a bustling crowded city, and sometimes things like that happen.
Orientation: I suppose some people don't want to know where Kyoto, Kobe, and Nara are while we view the city from a lovely vantage point on a hill. Sorry if that was a drag for you.
Raw whale: Well, I think you knew it was raw, and you didn't HAVE to eat it (we do provide about 15 types of foods to try a night when it's a group your size). However, I'm sure you were told this is not the giant whales that are tragically being hunted to extinction by some Japanese. The whale you ate is minke whale, which, according to information widely available, is even less threatened than bluefin tuna (maguro). It is a much smaller creature, and really not endangered a single bit. We NEVER serve endangered species. I am very, very serious about that.
Dylan has a wealth of local knowledge. He speaks Japanese fluently and has a Japanese wife. I stand by him 100% percent. The tour, however, is more about having fun and learning about Osaka today rather than reciting facts. Perhaps this is where the miscommunication occurred.. but then again, I'm sure you were told all about the history of the shopping street as well.
Stairs: Aside from train station (which you didn't use, because you left the tour before we even got to that part), there is no stair climbing on this tour. None. Even the train station has an elevator for those that wish. It is unfortunate that you chose to portray us as having "kept hauling [you] up steps." There is a gentle slope to walk up for a view, which you could easily have skipped.
Dylan's English: I'm glad you thought his English was great. He is of Chinese descent, but was born and raised in Australia. I'd say him having good English goes without saying.
Finally, since you actually left the tour even before hitting the halfway point, I humbly suggest that you are not in a position to accurately review the tour as most participants can. For example, you two times speak of the "3 hours of standing," but you left less than halfway into the tour. We often have a chance to sit here and there later in the tour. In any case, the standing and walking bit is not misrepresented in the first place.
Again, we can't please everyone, but the vast majority of our guests, as our other reviews show, absolutely love the tour. Sorry it didn't work out for you.