My wife and I couldn't get a booking at our favourite local Bromley restaurant for Valentine's night so we found this place. We like Westerham so thought it would be really nice. We arrived a few minutes late for our 19:30 booking and the area we were shown into with about ten tables was empty of any other patrons - a little odd we thought. The furnishing and decor were distinctly tired and dated. The special Valentine's set menu on the table was the only clue it was Valentine's night. The ‘romantic’ unlit 'candle' in the middle of our table was simply a tea-light - not even in a saucer, just on the table. Service was prompt enough (not exactly rushed off their feet elsewhere though) but not particularly warm. No offer was made to take our coats so we draped them over the backs of our chairs. Our waitress lit our tea-light then we ordered our drinks. A few minutes after receiving our drinks we ordered our food. We both opted for the 'King prawns in sweet chilli sauce' for starters. For the main course my wife ordered the 'Chicken Provençale with buttered new potatoes and a mixed green salad' while I opted for the 'Garlic and rosemary marinated rump steak with bubble and squeak sun-blushed potato cake (sun-blushed potato??? - I’m reading this from the menu I brought home with me), watercress & Bloody Mary sauce'. When asked, I requested that my steak be served 'medium rare'. The prawns were, we both guessed, straight out of a bag of frozen cooked (small - certainly not king) prawns that had been defrosted by having cold water run over them for a couple of minutes. They arrived perfectly - and clearly deliberately - cold on some mixed leaves drizzled with chilli sauce straight out of a bottle I’d guess. Disgusting! My steak arrived 'medium to well-done' I guessed with just a blush of red in the very centre and not a hint of garlic nor rosemary. There was the advertised small bunch of watercress but the 'bubble and squeak cake' was just a splat of leftover veg (minus 'sun-blushed' anything) all mixed together and fried - not in any way in the shape of a 'cake'. That, however, turned out to be the tastiest item on the plate. No sign of any Bloody Mary sauce. My wife's meal, staggeringly, was so, so much worse. Microwaved chicken breast cooked till solid covered in a tasteless tomato and diced onion 'sauce'. No hint of anything 'Provençale' - no courgette or any other type of vegetable - not even a taste of garlic or salt or pepper, nothing but un-seasoned tomato and onion. Accompanying this on her plate was a large pile of dry, boiled and halved potatoes (minus the advertised butter) and a small bunch of watercress. No sign of any 'mixed green salad’. I spoke to the waiter attending to the table next to us (another three couples had arrived by this time) and asked for the 'mixed green salad' that should be with my wife's meal. Soon after that a waitress arrived, I informed her I'd already asked about the salad but I told her about the absence of my 'Bloody Mary sauce'. Within a minute the waiter returned telling my wife that the small bunch of watercress was in fact the 'mixed green salad' advertised on the menu, we said nothing. Two minutes later the waitress returned with some scattered dry iceberg lettuce leaves on a saucer and presented this to my wife as her 'mixed green salad’!! She also presented me with a small jug of cold, chunky tomato, onion and Worcestershire mixture which - I was informed – was my Bloody Mary sauce. I ate what was on my plate but my wife left all the dry tasteless and overcooked (certainly not 'new')potatoes and about half of the chicken - it was just too solid and dry to eat - even to cut up without some effort on her part. For dessert we opted for the 'Sweet sharing for two' described as 'Belgian chocolate brownie with chocolate & orange sauce; Eton mess; Jamaican ginger cake cheesecake, served with clotted cream ice-cream & double cream’. The Jamaican cheesecake was clearly a carrot cake with no hint of ginger - and trust me, we know what a cheesecake is supposed to look and taste like! The Eton mess was a disgustingly sweet blob of pink with extra thick sweet strawberry sauce (from a bottle) and a sprinkling of fine meringue crumbs on top. The brownie, ice-cream and cream, however, were ok. I really struggled to eat the overpoweringly sweet pink goo which we took to represent the ‘Eton mess’ but we tucked into the ‘cheesecake’ - by now firmly established as carrot cake - the brownie and the ice-cream. Then came the crowning, revolting 'piece de resistance'. Whilst eating a forkful of the carrot cake, I pulled out of my mouth - a long hair. Needless to say the remainder of the carrot cake stayed un-eaten, as did pretty much everything else after that. I have never had the urge to write a restaurant review ever before but this simply had to be done on this occasion. I would strongly urge anyone reading this to avoid this restaurant at all costs.
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