Remember how at school you either loved or hated Geography Class? My recent trip to Seiners in Perranporth brought this analogy to mind. Geographically, you'll not beat this setting. Overlooking the sweeping bay of Perran Sands, if you are lucky enough to have a sea view room, it will appear almost as if you are floating on water when the tide is in, as your eyes are drawn over the sweeping sand dunes and across Cornwall's legendarily unique coastline. All of this, and the place is only a two minute walk from the town centre. So that's the bit which makes you think I'm on a bank-hander from the hotel owner out of the way - back to the "hate" part of my analogy.
Geographically, the hotel is best suited if you happen to live in the town, don't bring a car, have a healthy appetite for drinking/late night entertainment and don't really approve of decadent lie-ins or much kip when you're on your hollies. The layout of the accommodation is spread across something a bit Stalinist looking, probably pre-war, a 1950s extension and a later 1970s wing glued on for good measure. We had the pleasure of residing in the 1950s quarters, which were specially located above the bar and live entertainment area to ensure some fairly decent annoyance and sleep deprivation until well gone midnight. If it's sound insulation you are looking for, you will be sorely disappointed. Especially as the hotel seems to be a matey drinking den for the majority of Perran 20-somethings. I will leave you to imagine our sheer delight when the morning shift staff turned on the music system and lit up some fags beneath our bedroom window not long after 7am.
The site is limited by the constraints of a beach, the Atlantic, and a cliff road. There is little that the pesky old matter of geography (remember my theme here, folks) can do to remedy the fact that anyone parking beside you in the "ample free parking" will need a tin-opener to vacate their vehicle.
The route to the accommodation is of the usual musty, faded, post 1970s package holiday boom that you experience in many of these places, with the room itself displaying a few touches to indicate that perhaps one episode of some interior design show has been watched by the proprietor - perhaps after a few beers. I won't labour on this point as I see a fellow reviewer has kindly done this for me (the comment they make about the Website bearing no resemblance to reality, so true).
Suffice to say that we left without bothering to sample breakfast, pausing only to wonder if Celebrity Chef John Torrode (set to host an evening of culinary delight at the hotel in November, according to some banners in the car park) has ever actually seen the joint. Or indeed if it is actually he.
- Official Description (provided by the hotel):
- A family run bed and breakfast with a traditional Cornish bar and restaurant overlooking Perranporth beach. ... more less
- Also Known As:
- Seiners Arms Hotel
- The Seiners Arms Perranporth, Cornwall