Experience the real Vietnam…at your own risk.

Moon River Retreat is on the outskirts of Hanoi. Most taxi drivers find it after several phone calls and stopping to ask a few people for directions. The elusive location has lovely grounds overlooking the Red River, and by the looks of things, our room was gorgeous. Antique furniture, detailed décor. Our room came complete with the clucking lizards and a traditional Vietnamese bat that began to do figure 8's after we turned off the overhead lights to go to sleep.

Based on the mildew smell of the bed linens and towels, and the fact that I had to plug in every light and the stereo, it's possible no one at all had stayed at this place for months.

I can overlook stinky sheets and towels, and even the standard lizards that come with every room. However, I could not ignore the bat. When we told the manager about this, he already knew the bat was in the room. "Oh yeah, most people keep a bat in their house to eat the bugs."   Rather than give us a different room, or get the bat out, his solution was to leave the lights on to keep the bat from flying around.

Unfortunately, one of the lights was shorting out, so it flickered like morse code on the ceiling the entire miserable night. Exhausted, I remember killing a bug on my pillow, before I fell asleep. Then I woke up and killed another bug, and fell back asleep. When we woke up after a mere 2 hours of pseudo-slumber, I was covered in spider bites. I know it was spider bites, because there was a dead one on my shirt and my husband caught another one in the bed.

The upside is that we were already awake at 5 AM when the chickens and dogs started fighting and the power boats started making their way up and down the river.

And I won't even get started on their disgusting excuse for breakfast.

The biggest heart-breaking tragedy about this place was the bathroom. A huge, beautiful, stunning stone tub overlooking a lush field… and no hot water. None. I was determined to take a bath and tried for two days straight. No luck.

I'd recommend seeing the river views from a bridge and antiques in stores. Don't subject yourself to this over-priced infested nightmare. I will say that the place was unique and bewitching like a well kept museum, but there's a reason no one sleeps in museums.

Bottom line: You'd have to have bats in the belfry to stay here.