The experience begins with the unattended reception desk with the sign advising to call '9' to contact staff. Follow the directions to call the phone at the other end of the desk? Ingenious.
After receiving the key that clearly identifies the room and hotel it is attached to (helpful for would-be thieves should you lose the key) we drive to the desolate car park and park a convenient two steps from the door.
Upon entry to the room we were rudely confronted by Snugglepot & Cuddlepie-esque decor. At least what Snugglepot and Cuddlepie would live in if they were fugative heroin addicts on a binge. Gumnuts, gumnuts and still more gumnuts. Not in a quaint, country manor type of way. Just plain tastless.
Peeling back the bedsheets is akin to peeling of an infected scab to reveal an open wound. Yellow / brown stains galore.
A sliver of soap was helpfully left in the mouldy bathroom in the event we felt like rubbing a stranger's old skin cells onto our skin. It was evident it had been there for sometime as soap doesn't crack in a day. The toilet doesn't flush. Watch your poo bob around for minutes at a time, wishing it would just go away.
Next issue... Air con. It is possibly a dust filled prototype from the days people first noticed summer is hot and winter is cold. If you collected a weeks worth of lint from a busy drycleaners you couldn't compete with the amount of filth jammed into the vents of that thing. It also blasts out an obnoxious odour. Possibly due to mildew.
After finally falling asleep in someone's elses sheets, we were awoken by the sound of drunken violence. Calls to come out and fight were ignored as we cowered in the bathroom and hoped they would go away. They didn't. We were the only guests (suprisingly).
We waited until at least two men kicked down the door of the room next to us and began to trash it (possibly ex-guests too) before we called 000.
As the unwanted visitors circled the room we contemplated sneaking out the back door but decided against it and sat tight until the police arrived.
The next day we were relieved not to have attempted to have 'snuck' out the back door because the screen came crashing down as soon as it was touched and the glass door made an ear piercing squeal of protest as we wrestled it open. Not ideal for stealth activity.
The next morning the owners tried to tell us they hadn't heard anything and play down the nocturnal intrusion, although the police had already let slip the owners too had called them.
Eventually the sun rose and we left like survivors at the end of a horror movie. Only it wasn't a movie. I can't believe we actually paid to stay there. Don't do it. Just don't.
Sleeping on the streets is preferable. Cleaner and safer.
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This review is the subjective opinion of a TripAdvisor member and not of TripAdvisor LLC.