Dear Dorset Arms Hotel,
On the 28th July 2012 my wife and I had a totally unique experience at your establishment and we feel your internet particulars should be amended to reflect the same. May I suggest the following –?
Upon your arrival you will collect your key from the bar, where, to provide interest, you can cleverly avoid the discarded clothing left on the floor. When in your pre-booked ‘double en suite room’ we helpfully supply an additional single bed and site the double one against the wall to make room for the former. This has the advantages for one of your party to either climb over the other to get into bed or experience the delights of climbing in from the base.
This arrangement also has the surprise opportunity for guests to pull the bed into the middle of the room to tuck in the sheet that we have left loose to give that ‘previously slept in look’.
We will then impart our greatest surprise news - that, on this night, we have booked a band to play in the bar that is thoughtfully positioned right underneath your room. Therefore you do not have to go down stairs to hear them, in fact, for your delectation, they are so loud that you will be saved the distraction of the TV in your room (as you will not be able to hear it) and, probably for the only time in your life, you will enjoy the sensation of the walls and floor actually deflecting with the vibration of the group's PA.. To paraphrase a song – you will really ‘feel the noise’!
Just to add a little more spice the band will liberally alter the lyrics of well known classic rock songs to include use the usual expletive thus providing the artistic innovation of rendering the lyrics meaningless.
Unfortunately the band will have to finish their cacophonous endeavours around 11 pm but to save you the inconvenience of falling asleep before midnight we ensure that the piped music/raucous drunken conversation continues until this time. Again our intentional non provision of any soundproofing will mean you will feel you are in the bar and could actually join in with this convivial banter. Thereafter the traffic noise from the nearby A1058 will fill the void for those who hate peace and quiet.
For our more hirsute guests we provide 6 sachets of shampoo for the shower but no shower gel/soap as these items would be extraneous to your needs.
To avoid the inconvenience of making cups of tea/coffee for both of you more than once we helpfully only supply 3 milk portions.
We also provide a novel breakfast experience. Upon entering the dining room we will show you to a table set for just one of your party and, at a leisurely pace, provide the other setting whilst you eat your meal – or afterwards! Just to test your powers of observation we will provide a loaf of brown bread that has gone mouldy and our special toaster ensures that you really work up an appetite waiting for its product. Finally to complete your dining experience we will ensure that the scrambled eggs are micro-waved just long enough to remove any vestige of flavour.
To sum up we are proud not to offer the normal ‘hotel’ experience but that of an adventure in an estate pub with rooms.
I trust you will agree these amendments as I am sure your bookings will change dramatically. Thank you once again for a unique stay I have not had before in my previous 30 years of travelling.
- Official Description (provided by the hotel):
- Dorset Arms Hotel is located 10 minutes’ drive from both Newcastle city centre and the sandy beach of Whitley Bay. The hotel garden features a small family of white doves and 2 owls. Hadrian’s Wall is just 1 mile from the hotel.Gateshead MetroCentre is only a 20-minute drive and is the largest shopping centre in Europe. St James' Park football ground is only a 10-minute drive.Situated 50 meters from Centurion Golfing Complex ... more less