If you are aged about twenty-seven, or American perhaps, or on honeymoon, or like boutique hotels and a load of pretentious nonsense you'll just love this place. Why I hated it was not finding a plug for the kettle which was hidden away in the wardrobe, and not wanting to find 6 great fancy cushions on my bed on top of the great heavy bedspread -- which now seems to be obligatory in fancy hotels; what are we meant to do with such things when we go to bed? I always dump mine on a chair, but what a hassle. Here there wasn't even enough room for all the dumping that had to be done. But that's just the bed.
If you think it's dead romantic to have a Victorian bathtub in your room you'll love this place. I prefer mine in the bathroom. The little golf putting set in my room might have come in dead useful for smashing in the heads of the noisy guests who didn't shut up from 1.00 - 4.00 am, so excited were they about their wedding, no doubt. When I phoned down to reception I got no reply: NOT what I call the 5-star experience. Can you imagine that in, say, a Four Seasons? I got to sleep late anyway because of the noise from the patio bar or whatever it was below.
Breakfast, when we finally found it in the unmarked warren (you are meant to think you are a guest in an Edwardian country house) was accompanied by someone like Cleo Lane. I just HATE loud jazz in the mornings. Can't they ever imagine inside the heads of their actual guests?
One of the most stupid things about this hotel is the keys which are old-fashioned, to be fitted into old-fashioned keyholes under the low door handles. I appreciate that this is probably due to them not wanting to ruin the listed building, but it makes for a lot of frustration and bums in the air while you try to get your door open or locked. Hey, how long have you got to read this review? The "Please Do Not Disturb"/"Please Clean My Room" signs say "Don't Come In" (which I think is very rude) and "Do Come In". As they are both green and printed in some trendy pale small print, it's very easy to get them mixed up. Be warned.
Oh well, if you are Donald Trump or someone and adore wine and are dead impressed by interior decor, etc., you will like it.
The one and only thing I loved was the original stained glass. I would never stay there again. I now know that I hate all Malmaisons and Hotel du Vins, and, luckily, I have now found the perfect place to stay in Glasgow, but I'm not telling you where it is or it will be all booked up next time I visit.