This is, without doubt, the most bizarre hotel I have ever stayed in.
What, for example, is one to make of the large chrome severed head which lies on the lawn to greet guests? At some point someone must have suggested this in a meeting. I wish I was in that meeting. Because instead of someone else saying, "Does that sound like the best welcome for guests?", everyone must have nodded politely. The designated note-taker must have written "Agree severed head. Confirm budget."
Nor, for that matter, do the check-in machines send a clear message of welcome. Like the early self-service checkouts, still require staffing to ensure that everyone actually manages it. It looks like an idea whose time is yet to come.
When you've navigated this, you get to your room and have to walk through the pods which constitute the toilet and the shower. It's an ingenious way of saving space, but its primary purpose seems to be to send those who have a fixed idea of what a hotel room should look like into an impotent rage.
But after a couple of minutes, I began to like it. On the advice of an American colleague, I checked under the bed for dead hookers. There were no dead hookers. So that's at least a 2 star review.
In the end, citizenM's quirkiness was so blatantly affected and over the top that it started looking like panache instead of pretentiousness. And that's no mean feat.
More importantly, it did the proper hotel stuff flawlessly. The bed is comfortable. The sound-proofing is immaculate - you would never know there was a highway a few metres from your room. Everything was clean. The free wifi works. The shower is reasonably powered and designed not to soak your room. There's no wardrobe and the table is tiny, but there's plenty of space for an overnight stay. There's no pointless filling in of long forms and initialling here, here and here and please wait while I disappear with your passport. There isn't even any checking out.
I didn't eat there. There's no real restaurant, just a sort of canteen with an ongoing wok station and some microwaveable curries. That won't suit everyone, but it's probably just what you need off a long flight. And the airport is only a 3 minute walk away if you want something else.
Final impression? This might look like a hotel by arty people, but they are arty people who are not messing about. I would never choose to stay in Schipol because I'm not insane, but if I have to be here overnight again, I will have absolutely no problem booking the citizenM.
But I'll still pretend not to have seen the severed head.
This review is the subjective opinion of a TripAdvisor member and not of TripAdvisor LLC.